The Chelsea squad and entourage recently went on a tour of somewhere hot in West Africa. There, they went walking through the jungle and stumbled across a small poisonous snake....
切尔西全队及部分随同人员，最近去了非洲西部某地旅游。他们徒步穿越丛林时，偶然发现了一只有毒的小蛇。
Didier Drogba - Sees snake from half a mile away and goes down like he has been bitten by a snake. Spends next five minutes sat on the grass rubbing the wrong leg and looking wronged.
德罗巴――在半英里之外就看到了蛇。他像被蛇咬伤了一样倒下去，花费了整整5分钟来摩挲并未受伤的脚部，看上去很无辜。
John Terry - Kills and eats snake for looking at him funny.
特里――蛇以古怪的眼神看著他，因此特里把蛇杀死并吃掉了。
Arjen Robben - Panics upon seeing snake, and tries to run away. Catches toe in bit of rough grassy earth and is out for four months with resulting injury.
罗本――看到蛇后有些惊慌失措，试图逃走。脚趾不幸被粗糙的草地挫伤，并因此休养了四个月。
Michael Essien - Calmly walks over to snake and asks snake if it is afraid of Bison.
埃辛――镇静的走向蛇，并询问蛇是否惧怕非洲野牛。
Ashley Cole - Spends whole time trying to coax an apoplectic Cheryl down from the nearest tree.
A科尔――花费了全部时间，用来劝说歇斯底里的妻子谢莉尔从附近的一棵树上下来。
Frank Lampard - Tries to take out snake with a pinpoint 30 yard dead ball free-kick. Resulting kick fails to beat the first grassy mound and goes to waste.
兰帕德――尝试用一脚精准的30码远射把蛇解决掉。但这脚球没有击中任何目标，被白白浪费掉了。
Geremi - Tries to take out snake with a pinpoint 30 yard dead ball free-kick. Resulting kick bends round four palm trees, totally wrongfooting a bamboozled snake and kills it stone dead. Jose still drops him next game for Diarra.
格雷米――同样尝试用一脚精准的30码远射把蛇解决掉。这一脚球划出漂亮的弧线，绕过四棵棕榈树，最终击中了蛇，完全把这条被迷惑的蛇杀了一个措手不及。但下一场比赛，穆里尼奥还是用迪亚拉顶替了格雷米。
Wayne Bridge - Walks up and snuffs out the snake danger, quickly, quietly, and without fuss. Chelsea fans make up a song about it.
布里奇――走过去消灭了蛇的威胁，迅速、安静、毫不慌张地。切尔西球迷为此专门创作了一首歌来歌颂他。
Shaun Wright-Phillips - Terrified at the sight of the snake bearing down on him, he runs off.
小赖特――看到蛇冲向自己，他惊恐万分，远远逃走。
Andrei Shevchenko - Having never seen a snake before walks up and chats amiably to snake for some minutes before returning to the group only to find
out that the loathsome creature he just spoke to was not in fact Silvio Berlusconi.
舍普琴科――以前从未见过蛇，走上前去亲切的与蛇攀谈了几分钟，然后回到队中，这才发现刚刚他与之闲谈的可怕动物原来不是贝卢斯科尼。
Michael Ballack - Goes through the back of the snake studs high, killing it. Job done. Problem solved. Chelsea fans still boo.
巴拉克――绕到蛇的身后，轻而易举的干掉了蛇。任务完成。问题解决。切尔西球迷却仍不满意。
Jose Mourinho - Immediately gives press conference with flattering lighting. Complains to the FA that we always seem to get more snakes than the rest of the Premiership. Makes thinly veiled comments that suggest that his comments to Graham Poll after the Sp*rs game were in large part to do with the fact that Graham Poll is actually a snake.
穆里尼奥――马上召开大型记者会，向英足总抱怨说‘我们似乎总是比其他英超球队遇到更多的蛇’。隐约的暗示他在X剌一战后对裁判波尔的评论很大程度是和那个事实有关－实际上波尔就是一条蛇。
Roman Abramovich - Attempts to pay to make snake to go away, but snake resists over-generous offer, obviously hanging out for more cash. Mr A gets annoyed and pays personal ex-Spetznaz bodyguard to make snake disappear. Report in Daily Mail next day cites Roman Abramovich as main cause of all snakes worldwide becoming extinct.
阿布――试图付给蛇一笔钱，让蛇离开。但蛇拒绝了这个慷慨的提议，很明显的拖延时间，想得到更多的钱。阿布先生恼火了，付钱给曾效力于反恐部队的保镖，让他将蛇解决掉。第二天的每日邮报爆料，阿布是导致全球蛇类灭绝的罪魁祸首。
Peter Kenyon - Manages to sell snake a replica Chelsea top, and other things he really does not need, like Chelsea-branded football boots. Snake then buys a season ticket in the Shed the Bridge and gets it taken off him mid-season after being banned for 'persistent standing'.
肯扬――把一座仿制的切尔西奖杯和其他一些他并不真正需要的东西（比如一双印有切尔西标志的球靴）卖给了蛇。随后，蛇买了一张位于蓝军死忠看台的球迷季票，但在赛季中段，蛇的季赛被剥夺了，它因“永远坚持站着看球”被禁止进入球场。
Eugene Tenenbaum - Snake recognises who is the bigger snake here and gets out of the way before Tenenbaum can sue him.
犹金-特内波姆（切尔西首席财务官）――蛇马上意识到，比自己更大更强的蛇出现了，在特内波姆到达之前，蛇已经乖乖的退到了一边。
Frank Arnesen - Sees snake, and hides. Proceeds to tap up two other very young snakes to usurp and kill the other snake. Chelsea get points docked by FA.
阿内森――注意到了蛇，自己先藏了起来。鼓动另外两只非常年轻的小蛇去与这条蛇争斗，并杀死它。切尔西因此被英足总罚分。
Steve Sidwell - Snake sees his hair and fearing he will catch Ginger, slithers off into the brush very quickly.
西德维尔――蛇扫了一眼他的头型，怀疑他会过于精力充沛，由于害怕会被抓到，蛇迅速
潜入了草丛。
Kerry Dixon - Terrorizes snake and kills it, adding yet another to his vast tally for Chelsea.
迪克逊――威胁并且杀死了蛇，使自己在切尔西又多了一项丰功伟绩。
Gianluca Vialli - Luca goes and politely asks snake to leave. Snake so impressed with what a top bloke Luca is, he does so.
维亚利――他走过去，友善的请求蛇离开。蛇深刻的感受到了维亚利是怎样的一个好人，因此知趣的离开了。
Mickey Droy - Snake sh*ts himself and dies of fear.
德罗伊――蛇…被吓死了。
DBrian Laudrup - Is much hyped by everyone for his renowned snake killing abilities. Takes one look at the snake and gets on the next plane to Denmark.
布莱恩-劳德鲁普――因为有名的杀蛇能力而被人大肆吹嘘。他只看了蛇一眼，就飞速逃走，挤进下一班飞往丹麦的飞机回到了故乡。
Roberto Di Matteo - Kills snake stone dead with a wonderful dipping volley from 30 yards and takes only 42 seconds to do so.
罗伯托-迪马特奥――他用30码外的漂亮一击完全杀死了蛇。整个过程只用了42秒。
Gianfranco Zola - God created all things, and can uncreate them as well if necessary.
佐拉――上帝创造了万物，如果需要的话，他也可以毁掉一切。
Chelsea fans - Bombard snake with celery, stunning it, then drown said
offending reptile in a plastic pint of warm Budweiser that cost the same as a villa in Marbella. Celebrating the victory, there is much singing and standing. Other fans further away from the action, disgruntled at missing the view, boo and shout "Sidddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnn!!"
切尔西球迷――用芹菜攻击蛇，蛇被砸昏了，于是球迷们把这个可恶的爬行动物淹死在一个盛着一品脱暖百威酒的瓶子里，其造价足以在马尔贝亚买下一栋别墅。接下来是庆祝活动，歌声雷动。另外一些球迷离开得比较远，由于没有目睹发生的事情而不满，于是打着口哨发出嘘声。
Rafa Benitez - Gives it big in the press about how he knows how to defeat the snake tactically, but after long and drawn out campaign to defeat the snake, boring everyone to tears, no progress is made. A speculative Alonso long-range shot hits a low-flying vulture which crashes into a dead tree and knocks a branch off that falls on the snake and kills it. Press demands that Sir Ickle Stevie Gerrard MBE MotM be Canonised for the victory even though he was missing the whole time.
贝尼特斯――对媒体大肆吹嘘他懂得如何在战术上击败蛇，但他漫长而无趣的“打蛇战役”让所有人都忍无可忍，却毫无收获。最终，阿隆索漫无目的的一脚远射恰巧击中了一只低飞的秃鹰，秃鹰撞向一棵枯树，撞断了一个树枝，树枝掉落下来砸死了蛇。随后，媒体开始盛赞杰拉德在这场胜利中所起的关键作用，虽然他完完全全的错过了这场“打蛇战役”。
Alex Ferguson - Throws coffee cup at snake and kills it. Gary Neville talks to press about how the victory was great for football and how he really feels it is United`s season.
弗格森――把咖啡杯抛向蛇，砸死了蛇。加里内－维尔对媒体夸耀这对足球来讲，是一场多么伟大的胜利，他是如何的确信这个赛季会属于曼联。
Arsene Wenger - Does not see snake.
温格――根本没有看到蛇。永远不会注意到蛇的存在。
Sven Goran Eriksson - Much hyped as solution to England`s problems, Sven is paid more than the GDP of the country the snake lives in to go and sort it out. Sven bores everyone and fails. Sven quits in disgrace after Daily Mirror undercover sting ascertains that he was sleeping with the snake the whole time.
埃里克森――一直被吹捧成英格兰问题的解决方案，他支取了比这条蛇所居住的国家的GDP还要高的薪水去解决掉这条蛇。但让人烦厌的埃里克森最终还是失败了。在每日镜报证据确凿的披露他一直与蛇睡在一起后，他很不体面的退出了。
David Beckham - Attempts to kill snake but doesn`t get there fast enough, as Victoria, enraged that snake has the temerity to be thinner than she is, kills snake with a sequinned heel of her Manolo Blahniks.
贝克汉姆――想要杀死蛇，但却慢了半步。愤怒的维多利亚抢在他之前，用自己名贵的莫罗?伯拉尼克鞋跟踩死了蛇，蛇唯一的罪过是－胆敢比维多利亚还苗条。
Graham Poll - Books snake three times and sends him off. Lip-reads of snake show that he called Poll a "son of a snake" - Poll cries about it in the press and on his peak time BBC1 talkshow "Tonight with Graham Poll - The Graham Poll Show. By Graham Poll". Eventually blames Jose Mourinho.
裁判波尔――在向蛇出示了三张黄牌后，将它罚下。根据蛇的唇语推断出，蛇将波尔称作“蛇的崽子”。波尔在媒体和电视节目中喊冤叫屈。最终，受到谴责的竟然是何塞-穆里尼奥。
Kevin Keegan - Would absolutely LOVE IT if he had killed the snake, but eventually loses the plot and doesn`t manage it.
基恩――如果能够杀死蛇，他必定会求之不得。可惜他的密谋失败，最终没能杀死蛇。
Freddie Shepherd - Gets photographed in a 案，他支取了比这条蛇所居住的国家的
GDP还要高的薪水去解决掉这条蛇。但让人烦厌的埃里克森最终还是失败了。在每日镜报
William Gaillard - Is warned about snake but does nothing about it. Releasescomments to the press about how the snake menace is an "English disease".
威廉姆-杰拉德（欧足联安全主任）――发出“毒蛇警告”，却没有采取任何行动。对媒体发表评论说，这种毒蛇危机是一种“英国通病”。
Craig Bellamy - Tries to seduce snake. Fails. Kills snake with a putter.
贝拉米――试图引诱蛇。尝试失败后，用高尔夫球棒杀死了蛇。
Marco Matterazzi - Tells snake he has slept with snake`s offspring. Enraged snake headbutts him.
马特拉齐――告诉蛇说，自己曾经跟它的女儿同床共枕。被激怒的蛇用蛇头顶向了他的胸部。
Steve McLaren - Talks up the snake as "extremely underrated" in the press and fails to kill it off despite very evident 11-1 man advantage. Press boo Frank Lampard anyway.
麦克拉伦――对媒体大肆渲染这条蛇是“严重被低估的”，然后虽然在人数上占据了11比1的绝对优势，却仍然没能杀死蛇。无论如何，遭到媒体抨击的会是兰帕德。
